


Of next lives and well deserved rests

by AgaveOfTheMoon



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bittersweet, Character Study, Fluff and Angst, Love, M/M, Romance, Sad Ending, Sad and Sweet, Sorry Not Sorry, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25170934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgaveOfTheMoon/pseuds/AgaveOfTheMoon
Summary: 《Maybe in the next life, Allen thought dazedly.》They die together. It's not lonely- kind of painful maybe. But together is a good way to die. And maybe in the next life...?
Relationships: Kanda Yuu/Allen Walker
Comments: 7
Kudos: 50





	Of next lives and well deserved rests

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's sad. I'm (a little bit) sorry. But it's not that bad hopefully...? 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

_Maybe in the next life_ , Allen thought dazedly.

He had lost a lot of blood, and it was getting hard to focus. He was in Kanda's loose embrace, with his back resting on the other's lap. And Kanda... Kanda was looking at him.  
His stare was so intense it nearly made Allen uncomfortable. Nearly.

Vaguely, as the other man's breath caressed his cheek, the albino still wondered how he could stay beautiful even when covered in blood and injuries. He wished he could move just to touch is face.

He had always had smooth skin. Allen loved to feel it under his palms, it felt as soothing as a lullaby. Like the lullaby Mana always sang to him before going to sleep. He used to hold him while singing, much like Kanda was doing at the moment.

Kanda was warm. Allen felt warm. But it was never warm and cozy in England, even when Mana hugged Allen. It was always so very cold, and snow was everywhere. Even now, something whitish was everywhere.

_Ah. Is this snow?_

In the air there was something similar to it, but it had a different consinstency. It went down in spirals and reached the ground.

Allen opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue, with some difficulty- why did everything felt so heavy?  
He wanted to taste the snow and play with Mana. They would have so much fun and this time they could build a giant snowman! The greatest and tallest snowman of all times! He wanted to chuckle, but for some reason he felt breathless.

A flake made his way to Allen's tongue.

It didn't taste like snow.

It tasted like too many hours cleaning circus tools. Like sleeping outside and being beaten by Cosimo. It tasted like the filth under his nails and spoiled food found in the corner of a street. It tasted like... like the dust that drowned everything in the aftermath of a battle.

_A battle? Oh, right. A battle._

They had been fighting.

 _They? Oh_ _, y_ _es_ _. They_ _._ _They._

He and Kanda and the others had been fighting.

 _Kanda..._ _?_ _Kanda_ _.._ _._ _yes_ _, yes. K_ _anda._

But who where the others? He couldn't quite remember. But they _had_ been fighting. He and Kanda and the others... the others...

"Moyashi," a voice called. It sounded sharp, slightly panicked, and was accompanied by a shake of Allen's shoulder.

Allen opened blearily the eyes he didn't know he had closed. They met another pair of steely blue ones. A man with dark and long hair was facing him, face covered in blood and cuts.

 _Beautiful_.

The first thought was. And then...

_Kanda._

He repeated the name out loud.

"Kan-da...?" Allen's voice was scratchy and low, filled with uncertainty. It took a bit for him to ground himself. He was not with Mana. The man had died years ago. He was wounded and in a battlefield. Kanda was with him. The others- Lenalee, Lavi- were probably somewhere in the vicinity. And... talking hurt. Even breathing hurt. Wait, was even there something in his body that didn't hurt? He wasn't sure.

"Yes," he replied.

A moment of silence.

"You suddendly stopped responding." _I thought you_ _had already left me,_ was left unsaid.

Other silence.

 _Oh._ Allen thought. Understanding washing through him. _So this is really it._

He abruptly tried to take a full breath of air, to cease that train of intrusive thoughts as soon as possible. He coughed blood. But other than the sound of him choking on his own saliva and blood, silence still reigned. He felt the urge to break it.

"It's the end," he didn't know why he chose to say exactly that. Maybe to taste those bitter words on his tongue. Or maybe just to actually accept them. In the other gaze apperead anguish, but it was gone as quickly as it came. "For the both of us right?"

"Yes," all that he offered.

Kanda clearly wasn't in any better condition than Allen. His breath was rugged, and blood profusely kept seeping from a wound going from his stomach to his right shoulder. The only reason he could still sit in a semi-erect position, was the wall he was inelegantly slouched on.

Allen took his time observing the man, drinking in every detail.

Then, "Kanda."

"Yes."

"Ka-Kanda...!" he repeated, more urgently. He didn't know what to say exactly and this time his name came out as a choked gurgle. Allen's heart starting thumping more quickly as an uneasiness started to intrude him. 

Gasping for air as his heart hurt and ached, he wished for something to happen. He didn't know what, but he knew he needed it, because Kanda didn't respond at the call of his name.

But as silence reigned over them and he tried to say something else, a fresh wave of pain washed through him. Suddendly, he was too tired to do anything.

Allen felt his eyelids flutter closed for a second, but forced them open again. They were as heavy as the rest of his body. He painfully gritted his teeth, to keep them from closing. Even if slumber was taking a hold of him, he had to stay awake.

Allen didn't want to. He didn't want to say goodbye. He had to stay awake.

His eyes stayed fixed on Kanda's, tears starting to form and threatening to fall. Allen refused to shed them and gulped them down, even as his throat felt thick both with blood and a painful knot.

He still wanted to hope.

Never mind that they were more dead than alive at the moment. They could do this, like they had always done... yes. They could do this! They had always survived after all, and mayb- Kanda's expression stopped his thoughts dead on their tracks.

There was admonishment in them.

Allen bit his tongue hard to prevent a sob from escaping. He knew what that look meant.

_Stop fooling yourself._

After some moment filled with harsh breaths, Allen tried to come up with a resolute answer, only to forcefully say, "Maybe in the next life?"

He could at least hold onto this joke of a hope, right? He could still hope that they would still have time, that they would meet again, if not now in another time and life... couldn't he?

His eyes were pleading, Kanda's softened slightly.

"Yeah...," he responded.

But Allen didn't want to give up now.

"In the next life" he repeated, as if wanting to reassure himself. As if making himself surrender. It was too late, he knew. He felt it in the way his body didn't move, in the way he had trouble breathing, in the pain in Kanda's eyes. But Allen wanted to live. He wanted to live. He had to do so many other things. So many other things. He had at least three lives full of things to do, and yet he wasn't even granted another day.

And the same was for Kanda. Kanda that was always ticked off, Kanda that was always impeccable in everything he did, Kanda that was always so beautiful and had finally started to love life once again. Kanda that tightened his grip on the albino, as if knowing exactly what he was thinking. Sinful thoughts, for sure, those that Allen was having.

And again, "Kanda," he called him. Making of the man's name a lifebelt. His only hope. The only thing he had left at the moment, when he was seconds away from death. And this time he would not come back.

He just knew that that... _th_ _at..._ that wasn't the right finale. It just wasn't fair.

Kanda didn't respond, he didn't really have the right words to say. Hell if he knew there could be right words to say in that situation. It just sucked.

So Allen was left trying to keep his breath even, muffling silent sobs, even as they were impossible to not notice.

Kanda could only read the anger in his eyes, an anger very similar to his own. Such an injustice, Allen was right. It wasn't fair at all. But even so, he couldn't leave him like this, on the verge of shattering. Those muffled sounds were too bad to ignore. They made Kanda's heart ache in ways he wished he didn't know.

Thus, he took the other's countenance between his hands and looked straight at him, trying to convey what he hoped felt like understanding and pleas. His gaze equally as broken and bitter, but still firm.

It was too late now, they both knew. They could not do anything anymore. Yet, they could not break now. Not after all they had gone through. They probably had had a rough life, yes. But at least they had had each other. And that was enough to Kanda. Having each other had been enough, even if not for as long as they had hoped.

In some way, the unspoken message seemed to reach Allen, and his heartbreaking sobs stopped after some moments. His tremors remained, but he had swallowed the tears at least. Kanda was right. Even if shortly, they had had each other. It was too late to cry over it, and moreover, it hadn't been such a terrible life after all, thinking about it. They had had friends, laughters and important things to protect.

Yes. All considered they had had a good life.

The sudden realization seemed to dispel the furious beating of Allen's heart. _A good life, huh._ Strangely enough, he didn't feel so bitter and sad anymore.

Mirth filled his lungs, taking the air's place as he emitted a raucous sound with his throat that probably was supposed to be laughter- he couldn't even take a decent breath now.

 _Kanda,_ _y_ _ou sm_ _ug_ _bastard._

In the end he always managed to make all his worry vanish. Allen almost resented him for that.

He looked at him in the eyes, fearless and fierce this time. He had no regrets. But as his head started to feel fuzzy and his thoughts chaotic, he closed them to focus on what he had to say.

Oh, how he had loved him. A soft and weary smile broke into his face. 

"Let's go home, Kanda."

The other, that had never left his gaze wander off the boy in his arms, felt warmth spreading in his chest at those words. He nodded, but then realized Allen couldn't really see him.

So, "Yeah...," he opted to say instead.

And as he watched the other's breath come slowly to a halt, a part of him still traitorously wanted to redirect his gaze elsewhere. That way, maybe, it wouldn't have hurt so much the knowledge that Allen Walker was no more.

But he kept watching nonetheless, lips sealed shut and eyes wide open, because it didn't matter how much it hurt, Kanda knew that Allen deserved at least that. He deserved not to die alone.

So fighting pain, tiredness and sorrow he refused to go.

It didn't take long for death to reach them, and when it finally took away the boy in his arms, Kanda let a relieved sigh free. A ghost of a smile in his expression, serene maybe.

They could rest now.

And so, resting his head on the wall still supporting him, he closed his eyes.

"Let's go home, Allen."  
  
  
  
  



End file.
